Author Archive for MelissaJeglinksi

First Impressions For August

By MelissaJeglinksi · Comments (1)
Wednesday, August 3rd, 2011

It’s time for the monthly First Impressions critique.  If you’d like the opportunity to have your first page receive feedback, be sure to follow the submission guidelines below.  Everyone should feel free to add their constructive thoughts in the comments section.

The Willow
Young Adult
Leah Burroughs

 Prologue

Before you die, there’s always some kind of to-do list. (See comment below on first sentence.) For some, that list might contain becoming rich or famous. For others, it might include having a family and growing old. But what if you died before you had time to even think about setting any lifetime goals? What if fate didn’t plan on letting you live past sixteen? 
I’d always been afraid of the water, and I couldn’t swim to save my life. But I tried…and I failed miserably.
I was drowning, I knew that much. The water was deepening, the coordinal directions muddled (What does this mean–her sense of direction was muddled?) and lost in a dark cave of blue. The muted anguish swashed through my eardrums, leaking into places it was never meant to go.(I’m not sure what this all means. How can anguish swash through eardums?) My body was weak now, my useless kicking slowing as I felt myself go limp.
There was only so much time left; only so much air my lungs could hold on to. The breath I was fighting to hold was getting tighter, and I wanted to ease that pain, even if the escape was death. (Nice.  Simply stated but very meaningful.)
There was one thing I regretted, and it might haunt me in any otherworldly place my soul was sent to. I regretted not finding true love, and conclusively decided that’s what would’ve topped my bucket list. I’d never even been kissed…
Fate is cruel. We all know this. But sometimes it decides to give up on you, and in the instant it does, a miracle can happen. (Not of fan of this heavy foreshadowing.  Simpler to say: I’d given up hope and then a miracle happened.) 
Just as my eyes fell heavy with defeat, my lungs about to cave under the pressure of constricted air collapse, a relentless grasp fastened around my waist to with a godlike strength I’d never dreamt of imagined… (Toning down the descriptives makes the paragraph easier to read.)
Comments:
The first sentence is a bit unclear.  I know what you’re trying to get across but it’s worded in a way that made me read it several times.  Maybe something like: Everyone has a to-do list they want to complete before they die. 
I’m not a big fan of the narrarator speaking directly to the reader as done in the first paragraph (and again in the penultimate paragraph).  It’s so important that the opening have a bang.  If you start with the second paragraph I believe it would hold more impact.
Also, pull back on the flowery language.  The use of some phrasing here was very confusing and felt like you were using words just for the sake of flow and not meaning. 
I was eager to see what happened next; if in fact we would find out who was rescuing her (I am guessing this is a female protagonist) or if we would then jump to chapter one and be presented with a different scene.  So my attention has been captured.
 _____
To enter First Impressions, email your first page (300 words or less) to Contests(AT)KnightAgency.net with “First Impressions” in the subject line. Include the title and genre in the email, as well as the name you wish us to use when referring to you publicly. All genres are welcome. Do not send your entry as an attachment; it must be within the body of the email. Winners are randomly selected using http://www.random.org/.


**Disclaimers, Rules, Stipulations, What Not, and All That Jazz: By emailing your entry to Contests(AT)KnightAgency.net, you agree to have your first page posted on our blog for critique. Entrants will remain in the selection queue indefinitely, so your number could come up tomorrow or two years from now. Such is life. We will drop you a line if your email is pulled out of the hat. Maybe. It’s best to just swing by our blog often and check things out, no? Winning a first page critique does not in any way indicate an interest or offer of representation by The Knight Agency, and we reserve the right to delete any material that we find improper or offensive. Though we encourage blog readers to offer positive, thoughtful feedback, we cannot control their opinions with Imperius Curses. However, we will promptly banish nasty, mean-spirited comments to the outer limits of cyberspace. Dontcha wish you could do that with people in real life? Addendum (11/03/2010): In order to give everyone a fair chance, only one entry is allowed per person. If you’ve submitted more than one first page, your initial email will be added to the queue; however, subsequent emails have been deleted

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Categories : General

First Impressions with Melissa Jeglinski: June

By MelissaJeglinksi · Comments (0)
Wednesday, June 1st, 2011
June’s First Impressions selection is now up.  As always I’ve marked my notes/edits in red and ask that you feel free to comment with your constructive critiques.  Submission instructions are posted below should you care to have your first page reviewed.    
The Veil
Paranormal Romance
By Julie Anne
 “Another shocking death amps suspicions of something sinister in the city.” (Good opening although it’s not quite as pithy as a newscast might sound.)
The eleven o’clock news brought Ava Draikar stumbling from her closet. (Can’t help but wonder why she was in her closet?  Could be an interesting avenue to explore later on but if you don’t then I don’t see the point.) Comfortable in her pajamas, she stared at the tiny television on her kitchen counter. Here we go again. Reporters will be all over the hospital tomorrow. Ava increased the volume, only slightly, for to better hear the details.  (Because the tv was loud enough before to bring her out of the closet.)  
Sipping wine from a large stemmed glass, she nearly choked. (Did she have the wine with her in the closet?  Where did it come from?)
There, on the television screen, was a photo of the latest victim.  And Ava knew him. A photograph of the latest victim was lodged securely in the left corner of the broadcast. Ava knew him. (Rather confusing the way orginally written.) Sort of. She saw She’d seen him every day for the past week and had toiled uselessly with lustful fantasies wherein with him playing he played the leading role. The man was gorgeous, but Ava was prone to neither, lust nor fantasy. (Which is it?  She had lustful fantasies or she’s isn’t prone to lust and fantasy?  Or maybe it’s just not worded the way you mean.)
Pensively, she She lowered the remote and turned away from the television. She was missing her favorite show.
The city was fascinating from her window. Even in darkness, and despite the rain that streaked her view, nothing ever seemed to remove the city’s vast complexity, or its irrefutable draw. Separating herself from it would be like removing her own skin. If she could survive the process, she’d never be the same. (A bit overwritten here.)  To Ava, the entire metropolis was alive, and she was a part of it. The city was one enormous, pulsating, entity, and it was that image that kept her at her window most nights.  (The change in direction between this paragraph and the previous one is quite confusing.)

My thoughts:
The story has a good opening and I was hoping to get more from the first page.  The sudden change from Ava watching TV to looking out the window and waxing poetic about the city left me very confused.  I really suggest staying with the topic initially brought up which is that of the latest victim. 

There are a lot of extraneous commas thoughout. 

I felt there were some interesting directions this story could go but the writer needs to continue with a thought rather than allude to it and move on.  Answer the questions that are being brought up while they are still fresh in the reader’s mind rather than having to explain them again later. 
_____
To enter First Impressions, email your first page (300 words or less) to Contests(AT)KnightAgency.net with “First Impressions” in the subject line. Include the title and genre in the email, as well as the name you wish us to use when referring to you publicly. All genres are welcome. Do not send your entry as an attachment; it must be within the body of the email. Winners are randomly selected using http://www.random.org/.


**Disclaimers, Rules, Stipulations, What Not, and All That Jazz: By emailing your entry to Contests(AT)KnightAgency.net, you agree to have your first page posted on our blog for critique. Entrants will remain in the selection queue indefinitely, so your number could come up tomorrow or two years from now. Such is life. We will drop you a line if your email is pulled out of the hat. Maybe. It’s best to just swing by our blog often and check things out, no? Winning a first page critique does not in any way indicate an interest or offer of representation by The Knight Agency, and we reserve the right to delete any material that we find improper or offensive. Though we encourage blog readers to offer positive, thoughtful feedback, we cannot control their opinions with Imperius Curses. However, we will promptly banish nasty, mean-spirited comments to the outer limits of cyberspace. Dontcha wish you could do that with people in real life? Addendum (11/03/2010): In order to give everyone a fair chance, only one entry is allowed per person. If you’ve submitted more than one first page, your initial email will be added to the queue; however, subsequent emails have been deleted

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Categories : first impressions, melissa jeglinski

First Impressions: April

By MelissaJeglinksi · Comments (1)
Wednesday, April 6th, 2011

Well, it’s time for another First Impressions review.  For those of you who are new to this, every month we post the first page of a submission and I offer a critique.  Everyone is invited to offer their constructive comments as well.  My notes/edits are in red. 

Novel Title:  MAN-SHY
Genre:  Contemporary Romance
Author: Zara Penney
I couldn’t keep my eyes off him.  It became almost embarrassing.  There was something addictive about his face.  Could’ve been the laugh lines at the side of beautiful green eyes.  Could’ve been the cleft in his chin.  A classic Cary Grant chin.
His neck was long with an Adam’s apple which bobbed up and down like the cork on a fishing line (um, not such an attractive image) as he swallowed. He seemed bored, or absorbed in deep thought.  Long slim fingers were absently twirling a crystal wine goblet. He stared into it – mesmerized. (Now, if he’s mesmerized then how does he seem bored?)The golden liquid swiveled and glistened like a multi faceted diamond as it caught the light from the wide window beside him. (This sentence seems overdone, is it even needed?  I’d cut.  What type of wine is golden? One usually thinks white or red, yes?)  The nails were groomed to perfection. (Okay, guy with groomed nails drinking ”golden” wine out of a crystal goblet…?  I’d wonder.) If not groomed then he was just one of God’s most perfect creatures. God does do it from time to time. (Cut this last sentence, more train of thought.)
Mmmmm he could be about forty.  Maybe older.  Yes definitely older.  Let’s (Who is your protagonist speaking to? This breaks the third wall.) bump him up to 45 (Spell out the number).  Salt and pepper hair was short and practical.   He was the quintessential Polo Ralph Lauren man… (no need for ellipses)
Hunk. (This is a bit much.)
Score:  Perfect Ten. (Keep this, it’s enough.)
I looked around the restaurant.  Mine were not the only eyes drawn like lustful greedy butterflies to the eighth wonder of the world currently sitting alone there at a white-clothed table. Maybe he’d been stood up?  He didn’t seem too concerned about it if he had been. 
What sort of man could he be was he?  The mouth was generous.  Given that my Mmother (Mother is a proper name, do not capitalize it when used as a noun.) considered herself a great judge of character – I’d lived a lifetime of warnings.(Very confused by this.)  Never go for a shortie with a mean mouth.  This mantra had seeped into my life.  No matter how much I tried, (Tried what?)short men with mean mouths were off my agenda.  This man was the pinnacle of Mother’s eligible (eligibilty is perhaps the word you’re looking for) criteria.
But  that’s why I’m man-shy.  Mother is hungry for grandchildren.

Overall, this was a fun first page.  I was engaged by the writer’s voice and I honestly liked her protagonist.  Just be careful not to “speak” to the audience. 

The last sentence was great.  But I’m not sure why, if she’s man-shy, she’s checking out the guy.

I have questions, but I’d read on.

_____
To enter First Impressions, email your first page (300 words or less) to Contests(AT)KnightAgency.net with “First Impressions” in the subject line. Include the title and genre in the email, as well as the name you wish us to use when referring to you publicly. All genres are welcome. Do not send your entry as an attachment; it must be within the body of the email. Winners are randomly selected using http://www.random.org/.


**Disclaimers, Rules, Stipulations, What Not, and All That Jazz: By emailing your entry to Contests(AT)KnightAgency.net, you agree to have your first page posted on our blog for critique. Entrants will remain in the selection queue indefinitely, so your number could come up tomorrow or two years from now. Such is life. We will drop you a line if your email is pulled out of the hat. Maybe. It’s best to just swing by our blog often and check things out, no? Winning a first page critique does not in any way indicate an interest or offer of representation by The Knight Agency, and we reserve the right to delete any material that we find improper or offensive. Though we encourage blog readers to offer positive, thoughtful feedback, we cannot control their opinions with Imperius Curses. However, we will promptly banish nasty, mean-spirited comments to the outer limits of cyberspace. Dontcha wish you could do that with people in real life? Addendum (11/03/2010): In order to give everyone a fair chance, only one entry is allowed per person. If you’ve submitted more than one first page, your initial email will be added to the queue; however, subsequent emails have been deleted

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March First Impressions with Melissa Jeglinski

By MelissaJeglinksi · Comments (1)
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011

Well, it’s March (ALREADY????) and time for a new First Impressions.  Every month we draw a one page submission to critique.  We invite everyone to add their own helpful impressions in the comments section.  (My notes are in red.) This month’s selection is:


“Inner Demons”
Genre: Urban Fantasy
Author: Gloria Oliver

                One moment I was in my apartment, about to relax after a long day at work, then the next I found myself on a dark street with a set of headlights coming right at me.  (I like the immediacy of this first sentence.  Though I do think it reads a bit abrupt.)
                I froze, my breath catching at my throat, my brain refusing to acknowledge the impossible change. (I would like a bit more.  After the first short sentence this reads a bit choppy.  Again, the sense of danger is here but a bit more description could help to set the scene better.) 
               The car swerved at the last moment, the screech and pronounced beeping of a pressed horn crashing (I don’t think of sound as “crashing” and it becomes confusing as the car did not crash into this person.) into my ears. As if in the middle of a slow motion picture , I noticed the dark blue color of the Oldsmobile (Can this person recognize it’s an Oldsmobile so readily? Perhaps a sedan or SUV or something more generic?) as it missed me by mere inches, the glow of streetlights reflecting from its sides. Humid wind brushed over me trying to pull me along as the car rushed past. I smelled the stench of the exhaust as it coiled about me, and I half spun around to see the trailing red ridding tail lights shrink into the night as the car never even slowed (maybe: as the car kept going, never even slowing down).
The echo of yelled curses trailed behind it as a white arm shot out the window, the middle finger held up for viewing.
This was real. I was here.
Other pairs of headlights were coming my way and fear spiked through me, yelling (You used yelled just two sentences before.) at warning me to get the hell out of there. I almost tripped when I took my first panicked step, the shoes on my feet feeling strange and awkward. I glanced down and saw I was wearing white boots with six inch heels. Worse, it looked like I was also wearing a dark sequined dress that only went down far enough to cover but a small part of my thighs. (overly wordy descriptions here. Something more lke, high-heeled boots and a very short sequined dress.  She’s in danger and out of her element–there’s not time to really have her think about how short her dress is.) 
 Disorientation swept through me. I wasn’t a prude, but I had taste, dammit, and these things just weren’t me. (Is this really the point for this though? Seems like the need to flee from the middle of the road should be her first priority.)  I stumbled toward the sidewalk to my right, still only too (dont’ use still twice in one sentence) aware of the traffic still heading my way.





There is something interesting to this opening.  I like the protagonist’s sudden change of venue although a little more setup could be helpful.  I didn’t really get enough sense of who she was as a character although I suspect that will come across soon enough.


There’s enough her to grab my attention and keep me reading. 


————-


To enter First Impressions, email your first page (300 words or less) to Contests(AT)KnightAgency.net with “First Impressions” in the subject line. Include the title and genre in the email, as well as the name you wish us to use when referring to you publicly. All genres are welcome. Do not send your entry as an attachment; it must be within the body of the email. Winners are randomly selected using http://www.random.org/.


**Disclaimers, Rules, Stipulations, What Not, and All That Jazz: By emailing your entry to Contests(AT)KnightAgency.net, you agree to have your first page posted on our blog for critique. Entrants will remain in the selection queue indefinitely, so your number could come up tomorrow or two years from now. Such is life. We will drop you a line if your email is pulled out of the hat. Maybe. It’s best to just swing by our blog often and check things out, no? Winning a first page critique does not in any way indicate an interest or offer of representation by The Knight Agency, and we reserve the right to delete any material that we find improper or offensive. Though we encourage blog readers to offer positive, thoughtful feedback, we cannot control their opinions with Imperius Curses. However, we will promptly banish nasty, mean-spirited comments to the outer limits of cyberspace. Dontcha wish you could do that with people in real life? Addendum (11/03/2010): In order to give everyone a fair chance, only one entry is allowed per person. If you’ve submitted more than one first page, your initial email will be added to the queue; however, subsequent emails have been deleted

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Categories : first impressions

First Impressions with Melissa Jeglinski

By MelissaJeglinksi · Comments (4)
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011

Hello and Happy Groundhog Day!  If you’re currently getting blasted with snow, I’m so sorry.  And might I add how happy I am to be living in Georgia these days (although we’ve gotten our share of ice and snow storms here as well.) 


We’ve got a new First Impression page to read and critique.  For those of you who might be new around here, this is something I do the first Wednseday of the month.  You’re invited to submit your first page for a chance to be critiqued by myself and fellow TKA blog readers (see below for guidelines.)  Everyone should feel free to post your constructive criticism in the comment section. 



Title: DOUBT
Genre: Suspense
Author: Stephanie St.Clair


“We had a deal,” Tom Dubium said (We’re in his point-of-view. People don’t think of themselves this way. “Tom Dubium” should be “he” instead.) as he turned his attention back to the blonde across the table. Without waiting for an answer, he lifted the cold bottle of Heineken to his lips. The bitter liquid flowed down his throat, but couldn’t wash away the distaste of doing business with Alessandra LaFave. (Really nice and solid first paragraph.  I get a strong sense of this protagonist.)
Alessandra tapped her long red fingernails, one by one, on the table as she silently stared at him.
Clack…clack…clack. (I’m personally against sound effects.  But if used, italicize them. It’s also a bit redundant.)
The impact of acrylic against Formica echoed like deliberate shots of distant gunfire. She took a long drag off the slim cigarette, tilted her head back and blew gray smoke toward the yellow stained ceiling. (Over use of descriptives; every noun doesn’t need an adjective.) 
“Deals are made to be broken. Aren’t they?” she asked.
He could see the gears turning behind those icy blues. It was now a waiting game. Tom glanced out of the large glass window behind her as he waited for her reply. (But he just had her reply, so why is he waiting? Perhaps this sentence is in the wrong place.) 
The small Italian seaport in which he (currently) found himself was an ocean away from home. Fishing trawlers docked alongside freighters from around the world in Gaeta Harbor. From where he sat, Tom could just make out the NATO base in the distance.
It was getting late and hurried workers anxious to get home for dinner yelled to each other as they offloaded boxes and fish. The salty air merged with the acrid taste of burning tobacco as diners left the small cafe with their arms full of boxes stuffed with a local specialty, Tiella, a combination of a pizza and calzone.
Tom’s dinner sat untouched on his plate.



My thoughts:
The story sets out with a certain intensity.  And then it wanes while Tom contemplates the view and thinks about local cuisine. The impact of the opening paragraph needs to be sustained.  The descriptives of where these characters are isn’t important right off the bat.  Their conflict is what needs to be established right from the start. 


A little less descriptive phrasing should help the pacing. 


This is intended as a suspense novel and so I urge the writer to really build up the suspense aspect from page one. 

————-

To enter First Impressions, email your first page (300 words or less) to Contests(AT)KnightAgency.net with “First Impressions” in the subject line. Include the title and genre in the email, as well as the name you wish us to use when referring to you publicly. All genres are welcome. Do not send your entry as an attachment; it must be within the body of the email. Winners are randomly selected using http://www.random.org/.

**Disclaimers, Rules, Stipulations, What Not, and All That Jazz: By emailing your entry to Contests(AT)KnightAgency.net, you agree to have your first page posted on our blog for critique. Entrants will remain in the selection queue indefinitely, so your number could come up tomorrow or two years from now. Such is life. We will drop you a line if your email is pulled out of the hat. Maybe. It’s best to just swing by our blog often and check things out, no? Winning a first page critique does not in any way indicate an interest or offer of representation by The Knight Agency, and we reserve the right to delete any material that we find improper or offensive. Though we encourage blog readers to offer positive, thoughtful feedback, we cannot control their opinions with Imperius Curses. However, we will promptly banish nasty, mean-spirited comments to the outer limits of cyberspace. Dontcha wish you could do that with people in real life? Addendum (11/03/2010): In order to give everyone a fair chance, only one entry is allowed per person. If you’ve submitted more than one first page, your initial email will be added to the queue; however, subsequent emails have been deleted.**

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Categories : melissa jeglinski

First Impressions

By MelissaJeglinksi · Comments (6)
Wednesday, January 5th, 2011
Happy New Year, everyone!  We’re starting 2011 off with a new First Impressions critique.  If you would like the opportunity for one of your projects to be critiqued, please see the details below.  And please feel free to add your own comments and thoughts.  Here’s hoping the new year is fruitful for all! 

Title: Now and Then
Genre: Chick Lit/Romance
Author: Jen Baggiero
It’s very rare that Emily Hayes has to remind herself why exactly Nicole Wright is her best friend. (I do think this would be a bit more engaging if it was first person point-of-view.)

“I just don’t know,” Nikki’s voice drifts out from her fitting room. Her voice is filled with consternation and Em can practically see the pose Nikki’s striking in the mirror: lips pursed in concentration, head tilted to the side, and one hip jutted out to the side. (Repetitious with “side”.) They’ve been at the bridal shop for three hours now, the other bridesmaids sitting patiently on the couch as Em continues jiggling her knee agitatedly. She started when they passed the one hour mark and hasn’t stopped since.

This is Nikki’s show, Em tells herself chidingly, her inner voice sounding entirely too much like her mother for comfort. It’s going to be her wedding day, her wedding pictures, and this is her wedding dress that’s going to be at the center of everything come January. It’s a Big Deal and even in her thoughts, the words sound capitalized. (Not a bad phrase because I get what you’re trying to do but it just reads oddly to me.) 

She left those thoughts behind at the two-hour mark. The other bridesmaids are giggly, huddled together on the maroon what is that squishy material called (perhaps trying too hard to be cute?) couch, still sharing the bottle of champagne that the bridal attendants had dropped by in an ice bucket back when they’d all thought that this would be a short, relatively painless process. (Why is she not with them?)

“Okay!” Nikki’s voice exclaims. Em hears a loud clap and imagines Nikki nod decisively. The dressing room door flies open to reveal Nikki in a frothy concoction of white lace and beading. The dress’s skirt (tangled around Nikki’s legs) (I’m not one for parenthesis in text, you can easily separate this with em dashes.) rises from a bell shape up to a satin sweetheart neckline embellished with iridescent crystal beading. If dresses were bicycles, this would be the bright pink one, with a flowered wicker basket, silver sparkling streamers, and a bell. (Nice description.)

My thoughts: Overall, I thought this was a clever opening and put me in the mind of the protagonist; she so obviously does not want to be there. Good hook to draw the reader further into the book.

Okay, this is totally personal opinion, but I’m not one for present tense. It distances me from the story rather than drawing me in which I believe is the ultimate point. Do others feel that way or is it just an odd quirk of mine?  I mean, I put a book down if it starts this way it’s that hard for me to get involved.  And this book could so easily be fine in past tense. Usually chick lit is first person as well. 


I do think the writer could tone down her descriptions.  I’d like to know more how her protagonist feels rather than just what she’s seeing. 

————-

To enter First Impressions, email your first page (300 words or less) to Contests(AT)KnightAgency.net with “First Impressions” in the subject line. Include the title and genre in the email, as well as the name you wish us to use when referring to you publicly. All genres are welcome. Do not send your entry as an attachment; it must be within the body of the email. Winners are randomly selected using www.random.org.
**Disclaimers, Rules, Stipulations, What Not, and All That Jazz: By emailing your entry to Contests(AT)KnightAgency.net, you agree to have your first page posted on our blog for critique. Entrants will remain in the selection queue indefinitely, so your number could come up tomorrow or two years from now. Such is life. We will drop you a line if your email is pulled out of the hat. Maybe. It’s best to just swing by our blog often and check things out, no? Winning a first page critique does not in any way indicate an interest or offer of representation by The Knight Agency, and we reserve the right to delete any material that we find improper or offensive. Though we encourage blog readers to offer positive, thoughtful feedback, we cannot control their opinions with Imperius Curses. However, we will promptly banish nasty, mean-spirited comments to the outer limits of cyberspace. Dontcha wish you could do that with people in real life? Addendum (11/03/2010): In order to give everyone a fair chance, only one entry is allowed per person. If you’ve submitted more than one first page, your initial email will be added to the queue; however, subsequent emails have been deleted.**
First Impressions Schedule:  February 2nd, March 2nd, April 6th, May 4th

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First Impressions by Melissa Jeglinski: December Edition

By MelissaJeglinksi · Comments (6)
Wednesday, December 1st, 2010
Hello, everyone!  Welcome to December’s First Impressions blog. This blog, featuring a first page critique by yours truly, will occur the first Wednesday of every month.  Rules on how to enter YOUR first page are listed below.  Now let’s get critiquing.

Novel title: The Occupied

Genre: Dark fantasy 
Author: T.D. Grubbs
——————————
Evening settled over her bare skin with a shiver. (Perhaps would read better: …bare skin, causing her to shiver.) Other than this slight spasm she didn’t move. She hadn’t moved in days. Her arms, tied and twisted above her head where she lay against hard earth, had long gone numb.  (Compelling opening paragraph.  We get a definite sense that this protagonist is in quite the serious predicament.)
She lay on one side.  Shackles weighted her wrists to the ground. All of her limbs were useless. (If only her wrists are bound, why are her legs useless?) They weren’t broken,  they simply didn’t hold any strength. Against her captors she was a rag doll, a sack of skin and bones and pliant connective tissue. (Overwritten; rag doll is sufficient.)  Nothing more. 
Fingers of a fading sun pierced the basement ceiling above. They stretched into a languid fade, (Again, a bit overwritten, using “fade” twice in two connected sentences) making a final grasp across hand-packed earth. Then, too quickly, dusk faded to shadow. Darkness stretched its oily (strange adjective) wings, awakening all that was unseen, calling to life what should long be dead.
The air crystallized with a sudden frost. She shivered again, this time a spasm that rattled against her cold bones. It was the chill that preceded them. The icy breath of animated death.
Fully awake, she listened for their approach.
The cold drew back, lessening without breaking. A soft fog, like an exhale of a hundred breaths, drifted against the edges of the room.
Then a scent tickled her nose. It was followed by a whisper of sound. She sensed movement above, outside of the house. Steady steps. Twenty yards away. Moving closer.
She continued to listen, to taste the cool air that drifted through the crags of old wood. It was not them that she sensed, but something else. Neither demon nor animal. Something that in the three years of her imprisonment she’d never encountered.  (This is compelling and leaves me wondering what is about to appear. I want to turn the page.)

The writer did a good job of setting up a desperate situation for the story’s protagonist.  From the first line we get a sense of her being in danger and about to be drawn into something dark and sinister.   It’s immediately apparent that there is some type of paranormal element involved; so even if I wasn’t aware this was a Dark Fantasy novel, I would sense that otherworldly issues were at hand.

While the author does have an atmospheric writing style, they may want to watch the use of flowery language.  The text comes off a bit overwritten at times. And while it is good to explore multiple senses (the author had visual, sensory and even auditory descriptions) sometimes it can overload the page.
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To enter First Impressions, email your first page (300 words or less) to Contests(AT)KnightAgency.net with “First Impressions” in the subject line. Include the title and genre in the email, as well as the name you wish us to use when referring to you publicly. All genres are welcome. Do not send your entry as an attachment; it must be within the body of the email. Winners are randomly selected using www.random.org.

**Disclaimers, Rules, Stipulations, What Not, and All That Jazz: By emailing your entry to Contests(AT)KnightAgency.net, you agree to have your first page posted on our blog for critique. Entrants will remain in the selection queue indefinitely, so your number could come up tomorrow or two years from now. Such is life. We will drop you a line if your email is pulled out of the hat. Maybe. It’s best to just swing by our blog often and check things out, no? Winning a first page critique does not in any way indicate an interest or offer of representation by The Knight Agency, and we reserve the right to delete any material that we find improper or offensive. Though we encourage blog readers to offer positive, thoughtful feedback, we cannot control their opinions with Imperius Curses. However, we will promptly banish nasty, mean-spirited comments to the outer limits of cyberspace. Dontcha wish you could do that with people in real life? Addendum (11/03/2010): In order to give everyone a fair chance, only one entry is allowed per person. If you’ve submitted more than one first page, your initial email will be added to the queue; however, subsequent emails have been deleted.**

First Impressions Schedule: January 5th, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 6th

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Categories : first impressions, melissa jeglinski